Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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