1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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