You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
