Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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