I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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