it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
