Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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