I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
