I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize