I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
