I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He better not be in your backpack
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
