It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
