the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
