I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
