My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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