Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
