Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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