my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You are a genius and a whore.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
