you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
