Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
