The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
