Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
