In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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