Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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