It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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