Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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