Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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