Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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