I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
