you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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