I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
