In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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