If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
