Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
