someone threw a dead crab at me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
