Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
