I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
