I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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