Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
