the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
