his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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