let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
