if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we have officially lost it.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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