In the future we'll all be gay
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
