My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
