Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
