woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
