there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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