i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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