...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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