You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
