I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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