i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
