so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
