Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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