So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
