peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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